I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
You Might Also Like
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.