sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
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I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
[Reading of my will]
To my children I leave my vast collection of pants, which over the years we have affectionately referred to as your
*Everyone says simultaneously
“Our jeanetic inheritance”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’
~cats
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.