Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
You Might Also Like
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
haha same
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS GOING ON? IS THAT RAIN? OH GOD I WISH I HAD EYES” – Worms
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
“Babe I’m ready for bed”
“Why so early its the weekend?”
[background]
“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.