[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
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My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
Cop: What is your line of business?
Me [mumbling]: Treason stuff.
Cop: Louder for the microphone.
Me: Trees ‘n’ stuff. Gardening.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.