Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
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Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Don’t listen to your heart. It’s just a pump receiving commands from the brain. Don’t listen to your brain, either. If it had any good ideas, you wouldn’t be here now.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
sleeping beauty
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”