It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
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Seas the day!!!!
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
This is painfully accurate 😅
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”