When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
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“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.
In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.