Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
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I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
Me when my alarm goes off
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
[screaming into the void]
MARCO
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]