me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
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my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
ibopfufen
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
FRIEND. My daughter just hates her job
ME: My dogter loves hers
F: You mean dau..
ME: *shows her a pic of a puppy in scrubs* She’s a dogtor
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.