Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
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Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Jumping through hoops makes it sound too easy.
It should be something…more like…trudging through quicksand on 2 hours of sleep with a sinus infection.
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
I was shit at school. I turned up to the wrong lessons and sat the wrong exams. The rest as they say is geography.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
peeping toms
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me