You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
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Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
Breaking news:
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
“I’ve an appointment with Dr Patel.”
“Dr Patel is off sick today so-”
[slowly backs away & whispers]
“U people can’t even help yourselves.”
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey