Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
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Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
I’m not saying you’ve had too much Botox, it’s just that you should still be able to shrug your shoulders
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”