Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
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officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
i think we should see other cousins
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
The days of good grammer has went
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.