me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
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Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
I occasionally drink every single night.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
I am patiently waiting for your email
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.