[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
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The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
what it’s like dating me:
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.