This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
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Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
sometimes you see a really brain-dead “political theory” take on here, then you realize it’s just a 19-year-old who figured out a really verbose way to say they hate school
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
M: there are so many castles for sale in France!
H: but you wouldn’t know anyone there
M: that’s the best selling point there is!
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?