This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
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If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
I hope it’s French Onion!
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
The best way to get the woman of your dreams is to comment “gorgeous” on a minimum of 52 of her selfies.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..