No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
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Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
The three genders
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
#Caturday
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic