FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
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Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
“can you explain this gap in your resume?” oh, yeah, that’s when i was trapped inside of a supernatural jungle-based board game