always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
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Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily