If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
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Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
u guys got any snacks onboard here
I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”