I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
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A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Just told my son to “wipe that smile off your face” and I swear I heard my dad laughing from 3,000 miles away
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Why does laundry happen to good people?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.