Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
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I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
Tastes like chicken.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
don’t we all
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Husband of the year 😂
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝