We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
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Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that