Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
You Might Also Like
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
They grow up so quick
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.