Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
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Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
She: I like Cats
He:
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*