Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
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I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
DAD: You’re adapted.
SCREENPLAY: What?!
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Son: When did you have your first self-own?
Me: I made fun of another kid in my class for not knowing what sex was and then I said it meant “whether you’re a girl or a boy” and everyone laughed at me
Son: No, your first CELL-PHONE
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
The robotic urge to ask humans to prove they’re not robots.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”