Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
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I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Very problematic
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Be woman enough to admit when you’re wrong. And then make everyone pay.