Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
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At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
Got 3 boxes of tampons, Midol & Ibuprofen at the store. Checker was so scared he paid for my shit & carried it out for me.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.