*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
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“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
can I use a minion as a tampon
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.