Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
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Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here