Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
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Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Hard not to take this personally
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Helped my kid pick out a “famous past explorer” for a class assignment.
Hope no one else in her class picks Internet Explorer 6.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Practicing safe sax
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If u rob a container store does that count as organized crime?
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]