Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
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If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
Me trying to reach for my goals
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Mugger: Give me your money
Me: Get ready to see some karate!
Mugger: Oh yeah?
Me: I have tournament tickets in my man bag
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news