8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
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me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
m’lady
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction