It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
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Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
ME: bartender. another.
BARTENDER: but you just-
ME: *slams fist on bar* ANOTHER
[bartender reluctantly hands me another moist towelette]
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?