I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
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blocked.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[street fight]
Come at me bro!!
*guy rips off his shirt revealing bulging muscles
*I rip off my shirt revealing another shirt & run away
me: don’t you dare tell me I’ve had enough
him: sorry, but—
m: *shouting* what kind of barman limits customers to just one?
h: *sighs, pours*
m: finally! I’ll have another one of those delicious cookies too, please
h: now may I go back to giving communion?
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
spot the difference