Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
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I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Me: I really want to go travelling
My bank balance: like…around the house?
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
[Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child