still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
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HER: what’s with all the finger pointing
ME [sharpening my other pinky]: tradition
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
i made a craigslist ad !
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]
3-year-old: I hate this show.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
3-year-old: He never eats anybody.
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like