Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You Might Also Like
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?