More Origins
Ant Man: bit by a radioactive ant
Daredevil: bit a radioactive devil (on a dare)
Captain America: bit by a radioactive america
You Might Also Like
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
new wife guy just dropped
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Have a lovely day 😊
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?