Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
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me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
No thanks treadmills. If I want to reach my target heart rate, I’ll just have a panic attack.
best review i’ve ever seen
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
“How’s your day going?”
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]