My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
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*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
I always used to hate jazz but then I watched Ken Burns’ documentary on jazz which gave me a whole new appreciation for how much I also hate documentaries.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
You sure about that?
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.