{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
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me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
Oops
Travel bloggers during quarantine
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
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Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper