One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
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[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
A woman on the subway asked if anyone wanted to turn their life over to Jesus Christ today. She seems nice but if you don’t believe in God, I don’t think the New York City public transportation experience is going to convince you.
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.