[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
You Might Also Like
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Yesterday I asked my kindergartener what she did in school and she said “nothing,” then later I went on Instagram and her teacher had posted a picture of her holding a crocodile.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.