A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
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Onion rings.
I pick up the onion. “Hello?”
I start crying. “Bad news?” she asks, as I hang up.
“No, babe. It’s an onion.”
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
Meow
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.