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[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
You never notice pilots because they’re usually in d’skies
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some