Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
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The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
scares
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
“..all the king’s horses & all the king’s men couldn’t get Humpty together again”
*raises hand*
What guy thought horses might figure it out?
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Only short people can save us
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.