Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
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EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
How times have changed.
Maybe the guy yelling random words into the sky at the bus-stop isn’t crazy..
…maybe he’s just trying to figure out 2020’s safe word
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
I think this cat is broken
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit