Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
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4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want